Let's take a stroll

From day one,
I've wanted to write a poem that you could use as a map to my love...
One so explicit it could bring to light all the hidden corners of my bruised heart
just so you could see all the monsters concealed in the dark
waiting for me to fall asleep alone,
and maybe it could be filled with such fierce metaphors
that they could rip tears off your eyes,
fuel your bravery,
and make you want to be the one to save me
from the night I keep chasing.
But I never really tried,
just so I could never fail.
Just so the lines I draw
don't ever point you in the wrong direction
and you end up at the finish line for using shortcuts
before we can enjoy the struggle it is to walk the right path for the right reasons,
and miss the delight in advancing with the seasons
in such slow motion it's hard to notice the changes,
in a path where nothing is ever left to chance and the lane for spontaneity has been buried by certainties.
So take a stroll with me and lets get lost
in all the complexities we so often curse upon when it comes to matters of the heart,
take a stroll with me and lets get lost
before we find ourselves contemplating simplicity with aversion,
refusing the ending we so effortlessly attained.


 C.D.  (for my husband, my love, my soulmate)

This is not a poem, it's a confession

I think of you and think of funny conversations in cozy chinese restaurants on chilly nights,
late night walks to home in a playful pace surrounded by city lights
and long telephone conversations that lack awkward silences...
We were always better friends on the phone
maybe because I've always needed a safe distance in order to love properly
or maybe because telephone lines make everyone less uncomfortable
and they echo the other ones laughter and words directly into your ears
making sure you don't miss a thing
I have an awful hearing
I say what more times than yes in any conversation
and that would be alright if when I saw you I greeted you saying “ yes,
I'm here, I'm listening, I'll always be here and I'll always listen”
Instead I get lost in whats with no meaning or depth
“What have you been up to?”
“What have you been doing?”
“What do you think about chinese for this weekend?”
I think of you and think of late night visits on rainy days
when we'd fight the winter's grip over our femininity with chocolate bars,
and mugs of coffee in last minute meetings at starbucks...
Those memories bring me shame
they make me wish that every tear you cried after they died
could be one phone call I made to ask you all kinds of unimportant questions
and were strong enough to hear all the answers, no matter how sad
making sure I didn't miss a thing
I wish I was a better friend
the kind that you think about calling when your shoulders feel heavy
out of the certainty that you have mines to cry on
the kind that would call you half way across the world
and would avoid saying “I'm sorry for your loss”
but instead would say “ Life fucking sucks sometimes
and I know you've heard that before and there's nothing to do about it
but I'm here for you if wanna curse at it”
I'm always thinking of you
and all that you've been through
Always wishing that life has not yet taught you how to contain your laughter
Always hoping I can still rescue whatever pieces of us we left behind,
wondering if it's too late to apologize or too early for another try
I'm always thinking of you
and all that you've been through
I'm always planning on picking up the phone and saying
“Yes honey, I'm here, I'll always be”
But I never do.

                       C.D.  (To my friend, Carla Alexandra. I am so very sorry.)

Receios

Tenho medo do papel...

Medo que pela ponta da minha caneta
ele puxe respostas que não me atrevi a procurar,
expondo toda a verdade que procrastino decifrar
e seja tudo tão claro que não reste nada a ponderar.

Tenho medo que o papel
me reduza à simplicidade da qual eu fujo
e o tempo passe por mim enquanto enferrujo...

Tenho ainda mais medo
que o papel faça perguntas
e eu não tenha as respostas.


                             C.D.

Consciência

Sinto a tua presença sempre que pressinto
o fracasso
teus inconfundíveis traços
precedem todos os momentos
de dúvida

A tua voz é uma constante
mal calculada
que invade toda a alcantilada
da minha efémera existência

E sempre que vejo
o meu próprio reflexo
vejo-te, convexo
escarnecendo da minha segurança...


                                    C.D.

Broken pacts

My heart snaps

To the aftermath of that sound too familiar

In times I pictured you as my savior

The one to draw maps

To guide me and instruct me on

How to detach love from pain

And find happiness once again

Instead you make it harder to hold on

Seems foolish that I would relapse

Believing the dubious vows you make

That you always seem to forsake
But I fear without them I would collapse

The assurances in your premise

Seem like laid out traps

For that exact reason my heart snaps

Whenever I hear the words: “I promise.”

                                C.D.

So easy

Sitting in the silence I've grown accustomed to

Fighting this solace I've fallen into … 

Thoughts mingling

Thinking ...

How easy would it be?

To let you see through me

To tell you just how the cracks in my soul 

Will never allow me to be whole

They let small pieces of me escape

And no amount of healing will ever allow it to reshape

I could expose the words I wrote 

With blades in my bare arm

The fleshy suicide note

Left by the razor's warm kisses on it's way to my palm

It wouldn't be difficult to explain

The full extent of my pain

Through the amount of chemicals I've ingested

Or the nutrients I've expelled undigested

And how the resultant self hatred keeps me away from mirrors

Making me wonder if that is the reason

Why I forgot the feeling of a loving embrace

And the tears that occasionally stream down my face 

Provide the only caress I've felt lately...

It would be so easy...

(silence)

                 C.D.

Limbo

Morri, já faz tempo

E a carcaça sem vida
que tão morbidamente deambula por entre os vivos
é quase irreconhecível
Se minuciosamente se esmiuçasse seus movimentos
facilmente se denotaria
a óbvia inexistênca de sentimentos
O derradeiro entorpecimento

Sorri, em tempos

Mas não o sorriso que agora carrego,
este que se assemelha a uma injusta e pesada sentença
é mera sombra do que um dia foi
Já não cega olhares e infortúnios,
afunda-se lentamente em meus terrores
deixando para trás apenas uma forma arqueada
cujo brilho há muito desvaneceu

Vivi, em certo tempo

Mas nada me resta dessa passagem efémera
para além de memórias
que com o tempo são conspurcadas pela própria imaginação
Tão intangíveis são
que toda a força de vontade se mostra insuficiente
para as aprisionar
E já nem consigo perceber se aconteceu ou se o sonhei.

                            

                                              C.D.

Untitled

I can hear your silent cries …
All the torment hidden behind your eyes
Come out in disguise
Concealed in all of your lies


Indifference has turned you monosyllabic
Heavenly sound waves you used to emanate
Are now static
No more heartfelt soliloquies to create
It's almost tragic
The way your laughter was silenced
Your smile is now elastic
And yourself to solace you sentenced
Because your pain is far too graphic
For anyone to relate
Now you hide behind logic
And profane curses laid upon fate
Your vision of the world is monochromatic
Entirely colored by hate
And you just wish you weren't this problematic
Or hadn't overdue the chance to mutate


No one can hear your silent cries
Nor see those tears the wind half dries
And the request for aid in your denies
Only I

     

                    C.D.

I'll be damned...

Truth be damned …

… as I seek geographical solitude
to compliment emotional confinement
at the expense of my own sanity …

I conceal my depression with prevarication,
deflecting invitations
postponing confrontation
with the consequence of my actions

And in this emotional turmoil
I find my virtual refugee
Amidst superficial frivolous connections

Life be damned... 

… as I encounter comfort in hibernation
secretly wishing for eternal rest
or any ease from this breathing torment ....

Better indwell on self indulged fantasies
benumbing my fragilities
shielding the mind of the brutal reality
that I'm already empty

No epiphanies can rescue me
From being engulfed by my agony
So I accept defeat

I'll be damned ….

                             C.D.

Instantâneo

Foi por um momento....
... tão repentinamente chegou como partiu
E por um instante quase infinito
Vislumbrei a perfeição mas esta nenhum efeito surtiu
Vacilou perante mim o êxito
E então em fracasso se transvestiu
Foi só mesmo por um momento....
... que nunca mais se repetiu
O ideal encadeamento de pensamentos - epítome do conhecimento -
E a minha imperfeição não o permitiu...


                             C.D.

Odes ao silêncio

Eles são almas isoladas
tristes, dentro de eles mesmos trancadas...
voltadas para sua própria existência
confundidas em sua própria essência.

Eles cultivam a solidão
como sua maior paixão
e fazem das noites solitárias
parte dominante das suas vidas sedentárias

Eles que se afastam da multidão
e procuram na solidão
a quietude que os inspiram
e nela eles se abrigam

Eles que usam palavras como artificio
para fazerem odes ao silêncio
mas depois quebram o seu encanto
com epifanias rimadas em pranto...

Eles são pequenos demónios
Eu lhes desconheço os desígnios....
Aos seus fascínios rendi-me interiormente
e vivo sob seu domínio, silenciosamente


                                      C.D.

Desespero

Deixei de existir, deixei de pensar
Talvez ressuscitasse se voltasse a amar
Não me tentes perceber
Não há nada a entender
Preciso voltar a amar
Só me resta este sonhar
Falo do amor á vida
E da felicidade nela contida
Também do amor á escrita
E á palavra dita
E se eu não recupero??
- é palpável o meu desespero!!
Mas se eu for mesmo sincero
Se calhar isto é um exagero

                         C.D.

Já não escrevo

Já não escrevo faz um tempo...
não escrevi, e foi-se o tempo
Se calhar a inspiração foi com ele

E eu bem sei que o tempo não volta.....

…

Fico assim…
… ausente,
Espreita um sorriso idiota, inocente
Um suspiro profundo
E um vagueio por memórias passadas…
Um brilho quase indecente
Apossa o meu olhar,
O meu corpo meio dormente
Ameaça flutuar…

Fico assim…
Ausente, sorridente,
Um sorriso tolo estampado ,
Quando num devaneio a mente
Encontra-te algures no passado,
E revive, por momentos
Antigos, quase já esquecidos sentimentos….


 PS: Pa Santinho


                                                                         C.D.