Let's take a stroll

From day one,
I've wanted to write a poem that you could use as a map to my love...
One so explicit it could bring to light all the hidden corners of my bruised heart
just so you could see all the monsters concealed in the dark
waiting for me to fall asleep alone,
and maybe it could be filled with such fierce metaphors
that they could rip tears off your eyes,
fuel your bravery,
and make you want to be the one to save me
from the night I keep chasing.
But I never really tried,
just so I could never fail.
Just so the lines I draw
don't ever point you in the wrong direction
and you end up at the finish line for using shortcuts
before we can enjoy the struggle it is to walk the right path for the right reasons,
and miss the delight in advancing with the seasons
in such slow motion it's hard to notice the changes,
in a path where nothing is ever left to chance and the lane for spontaneity has been buried by certainties.
So take a stroll with me and lets get lost
in all the complexities we so often curse upon when it comes to matters of the heart,
take a stroll with me and lets get lost
before we find ourselves contemplating simplicity with aversion,
refusing the ending we so effortlessly attained.


 C.D.  (for my husband, my love, my soulmate)

This is not a poem, it's a confession

I think of you and think of funny conversations in cozy chinese restaurants on chilly nights,
late night walks to home in a playful pace surrounded by city lights
and long telephone conversations that lack awkward silences...
We were always better friends on the phone
maybe because I've always needed a safe distance in order to love properly
or maybe because telephone lines make everyone less uncomfortable
and they echo the other ones laughter and words directly into your ears
making sure you don't miss a thing
I have an awful hearing
I say what more times than yes in any conversation
and that would be alright if when I saw you I greeted you saying “ yes,
I'm here, I'm listening, I'll always be here and I'll always listen”
Instead I get lost in whats with no meaning or depth
“What have you been up to?”
“What have you been doing?”
“What do you think about chinese for this weekend?”
I think of you and think of late night visits on rainy days
when we'd fight the winter's grip over our femininity with chocolate bars,
and mugs of coffee in last minute meetings at starbucks...
Those memories bring me shame
they make me wish that every tear you cried after they died
could be one phone call I made to ask you all kinds of unimportant questions
and were strong enough to hear all the answers, no matter how sad
making sure I didn't miss a thing
I wish I was a better friend
the kind that you think about calling when your shoulders feel heavy
out of the certainty that you have mines to cry on
the kind that would call you half way across the world
and would avoid saying “I'm sorry for your loss”
but instead would say “ Life fucking sucks sometimes
and I know you've heard that before and there's nothing to do about it
but I'm here for you if wanna curse at it”
I'm always thinking of you
and all that you've been through
Always wishing that life has not yet taught you how to contain your laughter
Always hoping I can still rescue whatever pieces of us we left behind,
wondering if it's too late to apologize or too early for another try
I'm always thinking of you
and all that you've been through
I'm always planning on picking up the phone and saying
“Yes honey, I'm here, I'll always be”
But I never do.

                       C.D.  (To my friend, Carla Alexandra. I am so very sorry.)

Broken pacts

My heart snaps

To the aftermath of that sound too familiar

In times I pictured you as my savior

The one to draw maps

To guide me and instruct me on

How to detach love from pain

And find happiness once again

Instead you make it harder to hold on

Seems foolish that I would relapse

Believing the dubious vows you make

That you always seem to forsake
But I fear without them I would collapse

The assurances in your premise

Seem like laid out traps

For that exact reason my heart snaps

Whenever I hear the words: “I promise.”

                                C.D.

So easy

Sitting in the silence I've grown accustomed to

Fighting this solace I've fallen into … 

Thoughts mingling

Thinking ...

How easy would it be?

To let you see through me

To tell you just how the cracks in my soul 

Will never allow me to be whole

They let small pieces of me escape

And no amount of healing will ever allow it to reshape

I could expose the words I wrote 

With blades in my bare arm

The fleshy suicide note

Left by the razor's warm kisses on it's way to my palm

It wouldn't be difficult to explain

The full extent of my pain

Through the amount of chemicals I've ingested

Or the nutrients I've expelled undigested

And how the resultant self hatred keeps me away from mirrors

Making me wonder if that is the reason

Why I forgot the feeling of a loving embrace

And the tears that occasionally stream down my face 

Provide the only caress I've felt lately...

It would be so easy...

(silence)

                 C.D.

Untitled

I can hear your silent cries …
All the torment hidden behind your eyes
Come out in disguise
Concealed in all of your lies


Indifference has turned you monosyllabic
Heavenly sound waves you used to emanate
Are now static
No more heartfelt soliloquies to create
It's almost tragic
The way your laughter was silenced
Your smile is now elastic
And yourself to solace you sentenced
Because your pain is far too graphic
For anyone to relate
Now you hide behind logic
And profane curses laid upon fate
Your vision of the world is monochromatic
Entirely colored by hate
And you just wish you weren't this problematic
Or hadn't overdue the chance to mutate


No one can hear your silent cries
Nor see those tears the wind half dries
And the request for aid in your denies
Only I

     

                    C.D.

I'll be damned...

Truth be damned …

… as I seek geographical solitude
to compliment emotional confinement
at the expense of my own sanity …

I conceal my depression with prevarication,
deflecting invitations
postponing confrontation
with the consequence of my actions

And in this emotional turmoil
I find my virtual refugee
Amidst superficial frivolous connections

Life be damned... 

… as I encounter comfort in hibernation
secretly wishing for eternal rest
or any ease from this breathing torment ....

Better indwell on self indulged fantasies
benumbing my fragilities
shielding the mind of the brutal reality
that I'm already empty

No epiphanies can rescue me
From being engulfed by my agony
So I accept defeat

I'll be damned ….

                             C.D.

Damaged

I'm so damaged it's not funny anymore
Never has it really been funny
but I reached a new peak I just can't ignore

Laughter is the mask that hides my gloomy
cry-filled
happiness-killed
wallowed in self pity days, stormy
days
like....
today, yesterday and every other time
when I felt like …
breathing was almost a crime
feels like...
I just understood what I should have a longtime
that unlike...
everyone else in this world I don't need, want or deserve a lifetime

I can feel every drop of sanity escaping
this tormented and sickening
yet strangely genius mind

and all the thoughts that I could live without
come back crawling to make me want to put myself out ….
…. of my misery
this strange feeling of despair that torments every
single day of my purposeless
existence
and I feel so powerless
I need distance
from myself.... in time and space... right now and in the future
I need a miracle
so I can live outside myself,.... escape this torture
I release my vocal
plea …. Oh god please provide the suture

… to fix me unbroken

I need …. words never before spoken
actions never before done
maybe a prayer, a lucky charm, a token
anything to repair my life undone

I'm so deep into the permanent damage zone
All I wanna do is rewind
I can't be saved by anyone
Wish I could the clock, the choices and the thoughts …. unwind




                                                                                                          C.D.

Beautiful Liar

Unsettled fingers crawl in despair,

the restless female searches her pray ...

a naive soul that she can tempt and steal,

someone to inflict wounds others won't heal .

Seduces her victim with a temptuous smile,

bouquet made of lies, perfume to disguise...

An hypnotic gaze into your eyes

and you get drawned into her web of lies.

                   C.D

The Journey

  *door opens*

The begginning...

         a loud screech: the primal scream

a young soul awakens to a daydream

Starts the journey in a blank page

as he leaves his motherly cage

The road ahead is paved with suffering

that may be the reason he is crying

But he'll find the strength to move along

he just needs a place, somewhere to belong

 Step by step, he'll grow and learn

 that joys are few and must be earned....

 that aims must be set high

 so if not achieved you end up nearby

   It's the proper time to make mistakes

   he is still young, young enough for remakes

   But eventually he must his rebellion subdue

   to become the man that he is supposed to

   There are many paths towards the same destination

   he'll choose with caution, he can only go one direction

   He won't let himself be blinded by greed

   nor by easy ways to succeed

     Time has taught him well

     no trace of the old rebel

     His ideals now are strong

     he can tell right from wrong

     Overcomed barriers fill his course

     and misguided actions filled with remorse

   But all his regrets he has to suppress

   because time is a luxury he does not possess

Dreams pursued, memories construed

his journey now he must conclude

The end is near,

increases the fear...

last chapter and thus the final tear

*door closes*

C.D

Memento (keepsake)

Memories keep me alive

- you will discover -

I reminisce to survive

like a broken recorder

What my misery hides

you can't uncover

It's wrapped on both sides

with memories on layer

I've preserved your voice

locked inside a charm

It makes me rejoice...

It keeps me from harm

I've saved your embrace

tied around my neck

I tied it with a lace

so tight it leaves a speck

I've retained your smile

and the spark in your eyes

They keep me from going senile,

they perpetuate my denies

I hold on to your scent

I've intertwined it with my own

It helps when you're absent:

not to deal with the unknown

                             C.D.

To my distant lover

I can hear your voice from afar

it comes to me as a soft whisper

It shows me how you really are

some sort of romantic dreamer

I feel the warmth of your skin,

touches mine whenever I close my eyes

Almost feels like an act of sin

and I can feel my temperature rise

Your scent reaches me despite the distance

just to make my wait unbearable

It tortures me with your absence

How can it be so cruel?

                                            C.D.

Melancholy

I couldn't be more delicate even if my skin was made out of flower petals
Then I could at least endure water, but I'm so delicate your teardrops hurt me
And every tear is a slow torture, and by every tear my heart is broken

Every sigh comes from you as a heavy wind, pushing me down a cliff
And there's a horrible agony that comes with that fall...
The thought of your sadness is so terrifying, easily makes me fall into madness!

I couldn't be any more delicate, when one sad look can rip me apart
For I cannot bear your joyless eyes nor the melancholy they carry,
It shatters my soul into so many pieces, and so I die at every single glance...

                                                       C.D.

Pride

I just got a brand new heart for you to step on

That's all I came to say
And then just walk away
But know someday you'll pay
For what you did... someday...

I have my scars left for you to look upon

But I haven't lost my pride
So my misery I hide
As I leave your side
… my tears half-dried

I took my heart out and put a stone on

And it won't be in vain
I shall escape the pain
Won't happen again
You won't fuck with my brain

I won't ever be easy to fall upon...


                           C.D.

Imperfect ode

I lose myself in your captivating eyes
those flawless mirrors to the soul,
that sacred temple of no lies...

I crave your lips,
a gentle touch or a deviant kiss
I can't help it, can't resist,
It's the promise of bliss...


I long for the sight of your angelic face,
The lines in it prove no age
as if you were detained in a timeless cage
But you are no angel my dear
and that is clear
No angel indeed!
For your long beautiful hands
have crushed many hearts, performed their deeds,
and your cold beating heart shed no tear
before the poor bastards fear....
Impious divinity!

Your scent is mesmerizing,
so much it's hypnotizing
Made out of lust and desire
and cinnamon, and fire!

And that skin of yours, oh ebony!
Planned far beyond perfection
soft and smooth dark skin,
painted same color as sin,
same texture as dreams....
It haunts my dreams!

Blessed with sculptural curves
So well designed, so well defined
Immersed with God's finest thoughts
along with the Devil's darkest wishes

Your splendor, although nameless
is worthy of a goddess...
Plain and yet astonishing,
so hauntingly beautiful!


                             C.D.

Home alone

That wall just moved!

I feel hunted... pursued

There's a shade above my entity,

a distortion in my reality

I get visions, hallucinations,

my world moves on wrong vibrations

There are obstacles in my course

They hang on like a curse

I can see my world collapsing

I feel so numb... I'm not reacting

Then I get this odd sensation

and I feel this strange commotion

Something is crawling underneath

I can feel it somewhere beneath

Wanting to rape off my skin

and then make me fall in sin

But I'm strong, I can silent it

But I'm weak, I can't fight it

I just let it stay hidden

and remain a deaden maiden...

                                           C.D.

Dark Angel

I have a dark angel to look over my soul

He feeds on unspoken words,

missing actions.

Of all the thoughts I never react to...

Even during quiet hours

on his sanctuary my silence echoes

And in dreams

he brings me his guidance

And in dreams

I fulfill his desires

Hidden in my thoughts

lays my angel

Smothered by faint sensations

Suffocated in devious emotions

He inebriates me with his words

as he speaks to my soul

Intoxicates me with his wisdom,

bringing his darkness upon me.

I shall call him with a whisper,

my depraved soul keeper!!

                            C. D. (Pa nha Psc Psc)

Knives made of words (Sadness but no sorrow)

Silence is disturbed

by your rising tone

as loudly you lay

above me your wrath

You stab me a thousand times

with your knives made of words

making every single cut

a permanent wound

For there is no withdraw 

on words that have been spoken

and there's no cure

for the heart that's been broken

Not so silently I weep

tears of anger and disgrace

My wounds are too deep

full of sadness but no sorrow

And someday there'll be a chance

for me to sadly display my scars

and make you, with a glance, 

shamefully remember the day

on which your words crossed me

and left holes 'till today.

                                         C.D.

Conversation with a shrink

I'm so unstable you call me bipolar

means i'm a huge storage for personas

But i have so many it's not even a disorder

they just pop in every site, every corner

I can be a different person every hour

or came out a different one of every shower

That's right, you can call me a freak

And what? That means my brain has a leak?

I'm not nuts, just a litlle complicated

kind of a misfit, wild beast encarcerated

And while you analyze my every feature

I let emotions out and make you call them “creatures”

I'm telling you, this isn't a condition

You'd probabbly get it if you were in my position

You see, all I did was being me

what to do if “me” is such an ambiguity?

I'm not bipolar i'm just stupid and reckless

also sort of a junky for madness

In truth i just wanted to live passionately

experience feelings at their fullest, wildely

Because living is much more than only breathing

so I go out and live it instead of just cheating

You got it right I'm calling you a cheater

You cheat on life, I guess you're just a quiter

You quit living, it's easier to just walk away

to close your eyes to everything that comes your way

You do less than simply live, you just exist

and there you are calling me crazy, don't insist!

No, I'm not bipolar I'm just stupid and reckless

and while I live you drown in your emptiness


                                                                      C.D.

Emotions

Emotions....

Lurking...
Hovering....
Crawling...
Reaching...
Grabbing...
Stroking....
Suffocating...
Overfilling...
Overwhelming...
Bursting....

Emotions?
No emotions at all


                               C.D.